On March 16th I was laid off from work due to COVID-19.
I've never been laid off before and even though I clearly understood the reason for it, it sure felt an awful lot like what I imagine being fired must feel like.
It felt weirdly shameful even though I knew I didn't do anything wrong.
My employer was clearly being proactive because within days came the state-wide lock down and my lay-off became one of many.
Once the shock wore off I realized that despite the horrific circumstances, this quarantine was a bit of a blessing. I mean how many times have I thought to myself 'God, what I wouldn't give for a week off to just do nothing.'
I decided I'd take full advantage of this otherwise shitty situation. Having off in the middle of the week felt a lot like a snow day to me. So I did what I always do in anticipation of a snow day... I bought frozen pizza and wine!
I cozied up on the couch with my "snow day" sustenance and queued up my trusty pal, Netflix.
The beginning was great. I ate. I drank. I slept in late. Life was good.
I figured I'd give myself a full week of "snow days" and then I'd use my time wisely. You know... workout, clean out my closets, read self-help books, take an online course, finally learn to cook, etc. I even planned to write a blog post on how to make the most of our time in quarantine.
The problem was I'm such a lazy girl at heart, and I had a taste of the lazy girl's dream life and I was already hooked.
My Netflix binges started lasting until 3:00 AM. I'd sleep in until 10:00 and stay in my bathrobe all day before throwing on a different robe and indulging in wine and face masks at night.
And there was snacking. A lot of snacking.
I was alone, without a single responsibility in the world, and it was taking a toll on me. I recognized that I needed some structure in my life. I had to set some goals here before I ended up on Intervention or My 600 LB Life.
Since my week-long free-for-all lasted way more than a week my new goal was to positively utilize the second half of quarantine. I started calling it "Phase 2" and repeatedly joked with my friends to get ready because I was going to spring into gear and come out of this whole thing looking and feeling better than ever.
I set a date for the start of Phase 2. I even ordered decadent Italian takeout the night before as my "farewell feast" before I hopped on the train to Healthy Town.
But I still couldn't do it.
It was clear I was not the best self-motivator and with zero outside forces to help me I was officially feeling lost.
At the core of it was this: I missed my friends and I missed my family. Hell, I just missed human interaction period. I was numbing myself with food, alcohol and TV to mask how lonely I felt.
I'd have virtual Happy Hours with friends or co-workers and I'd smile and laugh as we cheers'd each other through the screen. It was great until the time came to sign-off. They all would go on to be with their kids or significant others and I was left completely alone.
This pandemic has affected absolutely everyone and in different ways. Even as I saw myself slipping into a depression I recognized how lucky I was to be sad I was alone and not sad because I was mourning the loss of a loved one, scared that I could lose my small business or fearful over risking my life everyday as an essential worker.
So many mothers are at home, overwhelmed by being with their kids 24/7 and I guarantee any one of them is probably wishing they were me for a few hours.
And yet I still couldn't crawl out of this hole.
I drug myself out to my only refuge: my neighborhood park.
There are at least a dozen benches dedicated to people in this park. I know the name on every plaque and I greet them as I walk by. (Silently of course, if there are people around. I don't want to look like a total psychopath.)
One bench, dedicated to Frank Petrone, is seated at the top of a really big hill. It's a bitch to get up but so worth it. Frank's bench overlooks everything and is far enough from the trail that you can just sit and relax without the distraction of fellow walkers.
I sat there, reflecting on what a mess I have become. My future children will learn about this pandemic in school one day and I don't want to tell them that while some people were out there saving lives I was at home woofing down Digiornos and drinking too much. Dammit, I will make the most of what time we have left.
Just then I saw a bald eagle fly over head. That's right, a fucking BALD EAGLE. I had been there hundreds of times and never had I seen one. I knew it had to be a sign. I googled the spiritual significance of seeing a bald eagle. The answer?
"If an eagle has appeared it bestows freedom and courage to look ahead."
I'll take it.
I made my way back to the trail. I strolled past my favorite bench which was dedicated to Richard K. Savage. I waved at the bench. "Things are looking up, Dick!"
Towards the end of the walk it started spritzing out. I laughed because it started just as my playlist shuffle had started playing Kacey Musgraves' "Rainbow" on my phone.
This beautiful song, if you aren't familiar, is about hiding from a storm for so long you don't even realize it has passed and there is a rainbow.
As I carried on a woman walking towards me stopped dead in her tracks. She smiled at me and then pointed up to they sky. I followed her gaze.
Yup, you guessed it. A big ass rainbow.
We were dumbfounded because it had only spritzed a few moments. We both stood there admiring it's beauty while the final lyrics of the song filled my headphones.
There's always been a rainbow hanging over your head. It'll all be alright.
And just like that the rainbow vanished.
As a girl who is always looking for signs from the Universe, I got two pretty amazing ones back to back.
It was the perfect little kick in the ass I needed to remind myself that I crawled into this hole and I can crawl the fuck out.
I have been so overwhelmed with feelings of guilt about not doing all the things I thought I should be doing, it paralyzed me from doing anything. I needed to cut myself some slack on this one... This is an unprecedented event and no one could predict just how deeply it would affect us.
So with what is hopefully the last few weeks of quarantine, I will make my best effort to crawl out of that damn hole. I don't think I will magically transform myself into Wonder Woman. I know I won't accomplish everything I want to, but every little thing positive action counts.
Every healthy meal over frozen pizza.
Every seltzer over wine.
Every self-help book over a movie.
Every motivational podcast over a TV series.
Every walk over a nap.
Every moment of gratitude over feeling sorry for myself.
I won't come out of this feeling perfect, but as Kacey sang, it'll all be alright.
XX
A.
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